I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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