She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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