I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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