The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
