You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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