i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
