When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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