its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
