I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
