I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize