Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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