FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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