i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
