I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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