the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
