I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize