32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
