just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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