she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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