And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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