so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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