it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
