The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
