hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
