I puked a lego.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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