Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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