Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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