FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
