All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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