If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
