so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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