I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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