I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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