What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
