Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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