What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
