A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
did you just send me my own nude
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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