Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
