There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
