rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the condom got lost in my hair
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
