I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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