Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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