When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
