i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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