just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
