I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
