in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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