I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
