During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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