if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
