if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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