just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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