my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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