Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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