he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
