Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
