I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
