my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize